GORDON Pugh spent 19 minutes swimming in Arctic waters to draw attention to global warming.
Quite a feat, but I too have been undergoing extreme activities which will hopefully have the same effect.
Firstly, I entered a trendy pub somewhere in the North West – it doesn’t matter which one, they’re all the same – ordered and drank a pint of bitter, a beer such places now keep at near zero temperatures.
I did this despite the fact it is horrible.

The barman Steve told me: ‘We had a chap in last week who drank two pints, and hiccuped and burped for three days afterwards.’
That indicated how dangerous my stunt was.
For the pub trade to abandon the centuries-old room-temperature way of serving our national drink is taken by experts to be the clearest sign yet of global warming.
Apparently, young people fancying something different that might alleviate climate change occasionally try bitter and believe it really does taste of iced caramel.
Even if the UK hits a steady year-round 90 degrees, bitter drinkers are strongly advised to avoid modern pubs.
I then flew to where the sun does always shine and where Euro-fizz lager effervesces from the tap like draught Alka Seltzer. To Spain, the land of the four inch head and, of course, I have planted two trees to offset my emissions.
Every year, Brits on holiday drink 16 billion gallons of lager, causing the release of 385,000 tons of carbon-dioxide, which sits in the atmosphere like some gigantic net.
I spent a night drinking cheap Euro-fizz – its real name does not matter, they’re all the same – and found by midnight my belly had swollen four inches and was as tight as a balloon.
Had I risked another couple of pints and happened to break wind I might well have shot off on a crazy course around the ceiling before plummeting into a heap in the corner.
That’s the danger of foreign lager, I’m afraid.
As global warming increases we will drink more cheap lager and produce the very gas that’s causing us to drink more in the first place.
I planted five trees to offset my emissions.
Sorry, but it was in a worthwhile cause.

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