DAWN French is convinced she is going to die young and is moving to Cornwall to prepare for it.
She’s going to feel such a fool if she doesn’t kick the bucket, rather like the doomsayers who carried their placards proclaiming ‘The World Ends Tomorrow’ and climbed up the nearest hill to wait resignedly for it, only for the blasted sun to come up again.
Whoops. They were then faced with the embarrassing task of rescheduling Armageddon. No easy matter because you need something to hang it on, a reason for saying September 12 or whatever.

Those still convinced the end is nigh are now not so foolish as to be held to a date.
Nigh is soon and you are supposed to prepare for it. At my age there is a good chance that soon will be after I die anyway, so I am taking my chances.
Besides, how do you go about preparing for the end of the world? Go to Cornwall, perhaps. Which is where we find desolate Dawn, the nation’s favourite comedienne, waiting to die.
When committing herself to such dire predictions she really ought to be sure, have a little bit more to work with than just a feeling she won’t live too long.
What is she going to do if the worst comes to the worst and she lives?
I remember the story of the suicidal bloke who lay down in front of a double- decker bus, only for the bus to reverse. Lying there, in the middle of a bus terminus on a busy Friday, he looked a proper ta-ta. Just when life couldn’t get any worse, eh?
But back to Dawn, who happens to be 50 in a couple of months and I wonder if that might have anything to do with it.
These milestone birthdays have a way of getting to you even when you pretend you don’t care. Oh, come on you know they do. 30, 40 – you see them coming, but they still hit you with a wallop.
Inside you may scream: ‘Me? 50? My God, I’m two-thirds the way there already!’ and then turn to a well-wisher and assure them it’s all a load of nonsense and you feel no different than you did yesterday.
I fancy Dawn has nothing more than the pre-50 blues and this time next year she’ll be saying she’s changed her mind and she won’t bother dying after all.

• Post to:
•  del.icio.us
•  Digg
•  Newsvine
•  Nowpublic
•  Reddit