NEW men cook meals and, according to a Government study this week, a male chef’s recipes are easier to follow than their female counterpart’s.
All of which got me thinking of something I wrote about 15 years ago and which I repeat here. It is a recipe for what we now must call ‘old’ men I suppose.
How dated is it, I wonder?

1: Enter the kitchen like a stormtrooper and scream: ‘Right, out! Or I’ll hit you with this frying pan.’ This clears the kitchen of all extraneous personnel who may wish to interfere or advise. You do not need help or advice. You are a man.
2: Proceed to the fridge, saying, ‘Lamb chops, lamb chops, where are you, lamb chops?’ Begin search for lamb chops.
Shout the wife and demand to know where she has put the lamb chops. How can you get tea ready if she insists on hiding the damn meat.
Ignore sarcastic remarks as she lifts the chops out of the fridge where they had been all along. Hit her with the frying pan if she does not scarper quickly, but not without telling where the mint sauce is first.
3: Light grill. Put chops under the grill. Notice strange smell. Retrieve them, remove plastic wrapping and put them back.
4: Realise you have not peeled potatoes. Retrieve chops again, peel potatoes. Fill a pan with water and put on ring to boil. Check wife is not lurking nearby and put potatoes in electric kettle instead to quicken things up. Why hasn’t anyone thought of that before? Add carrots and peas. Shut the kitchen door in case she calls for a cup of tea.
5: Say, cooking’s a doddle, don’t know what she goes on about. Hang around and wait for something to happen. Investigate loud bang from kettle.
6: In one movement tip half-cooked potatoes and veg into pan, boiling uselessly away for some time, rinse kettle and return to its place. Unless she calls in forensics you’re in the clear.
7: Open door and shout: ‘It won’t be long,’ to show everything’s under control.
8: Put chops back under grill, read paper and wait for smoke to appear. The chops are now ready.
9: Drain potatoes and veg. Don’t risk accidents – pour away boiling water immediately. Serve. Return to kitchen smartish to make mint sauce with hot water from tap. She’ll never know.
10: Invite grateful wife to put the kettle on. Express surprise when it does not work.

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